Why don’t drug cartels hire clowns anymore? Op Ed by Kinky Pinky
Editor’s note: Kinky Pinky once worked as an enforcer for the KRAK drug cartel in the 1980s video game NARC. He is currently unemployed.
If you believe the “news,” the economy is recovering from the pandemic. Not only that, but there are tons of jobs that people just aren’t even applying for. Well, don’t be fooled. There are some people out there who want to be able to work, but can’t. I’m talking about hard working people, who aren’t afraid to roll up their nappy, nasty clown sleeves and stab people. But it seems that drug cartels suddenly have no interest in hiring knife-wielding clowns to kidnap prostitutes anymore. I tell you, Biden has turned this country into a socialist nation for sure.
It’s not like I haven’t tried to find work. But most of the cartels these days require you to get the covid vaccine and frankly, I’m scared of needles. Plus, I’m opposed to putting unknown chemicals in my body. I may shoot up with heroin that’s been cut with Drano and Pop-Tarts, but my buddy Joe Rockhead, he heard that they use dihydrogen oxide to make those vaccines. And an article I read on Facebook by a guy who watched a doctor interviewed on OAN said that stuff kills thousands every year. No thank YOU.
I had an interview the other day. I told the dude that I ran down two old ladies and an undercover narc on the drive in, and then torched the car, as one does. When I told him I could make a bong out of a salt lamp and a banana, he just stared at me and asked me how many words per minute I could type (all the while pressing a panic button). I said to him I might be able to type 20 or 30 per minute, in between strangling snitches with my bare hands. But I guess that’s not good enough for a dentist office. At the end of the day, I can’t hold a candle to the body count Ronald McDonald has, but I’M the one no one wants in their neighborhood?
I thought after heart warming movies like Joker came out, the world was ready to embrace murderous clowns again. I guess not. I guess we don’t live in an accepting society. But the problem lies not within me, but within your own heart. A heart I very much would like to stab.
Originally published at https://www.damperthree.com on August 18, 2021.
