Welcome to the New 1970s. We hope you’re happy.
Fans of terrible fashion, uncertain economic times, chaotic international events, and the promise of global extinction are all in for a treat this decade. The last few years have demonstrated that the Universe has pulled out the National Malaise album and started blasting that vinyl, because if you’ve been watching carefully, the 2020s are playing the brain-asphyxiating 1970’s greatest hits. We hope you like bell bottoms and feathered hair, brother, because we’re in for a wild ride.
But don’t believe us. Believe this chart:
But there’s more to it than this, however. The 1970s saw the United States land on the moon. Guess what NASA has planned for the mid-2020s? Project Artemis, daddy-o. Or rather, mommy-o, since this time we will send American female astronauts back to Luna, presumably so some humans might survive annihilation.
That’s right! While the 1970s was packed with spicy Mutually Assured Destruction, the 2020s has its own brand of human caused, totally avoidable-but-for-some-reason-we’re-not-avoiding-it doomsday scenario: climate change. Millennials may not appreciate it, but Gen X has vivid memories of the gnawing fear of growing up under the threat of nuclear devastation. We’re pretty sure a lot of the masculine insecurities you see playing out with a lot of Baby Boomers and Gen X are rooted in growing up expecting to ignite at any moment. Well, we get to pass that terror on to you in the 2020s. It builds character.
We’re not saying that everything in the 1970s was a drag. Far from it. That crazy, cigarette-stained decade produced Star Wars, the Rockford Files, and Sanford and Son. By the end of the decade, from the dismal morass of disco, heavy metal was starting to rip the disco balls from the ceiling and beat the Bee Gees to death with it.And on the political front, we saw the emergence of, uh, the Seventies brought us such paragons of integrity as…hmm. Did we mention Sanford and Son?
But we can’t candy coat the bad, like some kind of candy cigarette or bubble gum chewing tobacco. The 2020s are going to be rough. The good news is that if we could survive the 1970s, then you can survive the coming decade. It won’t be easy, but look at it this way: it’s not like you have an expansionist Russia or emerging China breathing down your necks like we had in the Seventies.
Wait. I am so sorry. And no Rockford Files?
Dang dudes. I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe get Don McLean to make a comeback? That way at least your music won’t suck so bad.
Originally published at https://www.damperthree.com on September 6, 2021.
