The Midlife Crisis Center is here for you
It comes in many forms, in many ways.
Perhaps during your morning shower and shave you noticed that your hairline is in full retreat, or maybe a bald spot has set up a beachhead on the back of your skull. It could be that you looked in the mirror and your dad was looking back at you. Or maybe you were chatting with another dad that you found out is your exact age but instead of spending the weekend elbow deep in cleaning cat litter and mowing the grass, he’s going skydiving during a spontaneous vacation to the Maldives and now you’re wondering what the heck you are doing with your life.
Research shows (probably) that everyone except maybe astronauts will experience a midlife crisis some time in their lives.* It’s okay. It’s normal, and now you have help.
In times past, people who experienced these bouts of inadequacy mixed with a sense of their own mortality had limited options. A person often would do one or more of the following: get a divorce, buy a sports car, or start wearing open collar shirts to display, like an aging peacock, gold chains set against a background of graying chest hair (this last one often precipitated the divorce option).
But these days, the sufferer of MCS (midlife crisis syndrome©) has a plethora of treatment options. In fact, there may be too many things to choose from. The internet and cheap consumer electronics have opened a cornucopia overflowing with vapid, temporary salves to briefly fill the void for the person asking themselves “is this all there is?” It can be overwhelming, and that’s where the Midlife Crisis Center steps in.
Our customer service representatives are standing by to assist you in any way, be it to negotiate a low rate auto loan to purchase that convertible sports car, or to give you honest advice on whether or not you should wear a wig (you shouldn’t).
Want a hobby that you can dump thousands of dollars into without showing any appreciable results other than the money spent? There’s the traditional avenues, such as learning to play guitar, and our experts at the MCC will not only help you find an ideal YouTube tutorial, we’ll help you pick an awesome name for the band you think you’ll start once you get good.** How does Crimson Steel sound?
If music isn’t your thing, go a more tactile path and take up woodworking. Learning how to make half of something before quitting is the perfect way to feel like you’re taking control of your waning life.
But maybe you don’t have a lot of money to invest? We can help with that too. How about writing a novel? You know you’ve wanted to. By age 50, most men have thought about writing at least a Civil War or World War Two history book, and many think they are funny enough to write something funny. Even though you aren’t, our customer service representatives will listen to your ideas*** and tell you that you should totally write that.
Unless you want to blog. Don’t do that. We will try to stop you, for your own good.
In addition, the MCC has trained fitness video watchers who can advise you on which trendy videos or programs will help you turn that aging “dad bod” into a “six-pack.” Our experts have extensive experience buying fitness equipment, and can advise you what gear keeps the best resale value on Facebook marketplace once you realize you won’t use that stuff again.
Call now. Before you get over it.
* This just sounds right.
**MCC does not promise in any way that you will ever “get good.”
*** $9.95 for the first 5 minutes, $1.99 per minute after that.
Originally published at https://www.damperthree.com on July 26, 2021.
