Someone hacked my Facebook account, cloned it, and now he has more friends than me

I started to suspect that someone hacked my Facebook account sometime last week. I woke up one morning and found a confusing direct message from my pal, Fred.

“Bro,” said Fred. “You were so right. Sheila and me, we made up and now we’re committed to making things work. You helped save us, buddy. Thank you!”

I had no idea Fred and Sheila were having problems. I don’t even like Sheila. If I’m being honest, I don’t like Fred either. But at the time I just scratched my head, replied “k”, and went about my day.

More odd things started happening. Out of nowhere, Linda (a friend I’ve secretly had the hots for since high school) commented on my picture of the new truck nuts I put on my F350. She wrote, “Gross. I like the volunteer work at the animal shelter better.” What was she babbling about?

Then later that evening, I shared an article from Patriot Truth Tellers that simply pointed out how the libtards have almost made America into a Communist country. Even though it’s not that controversial, I expected my leftist friends to go on the offense like they ALWAYS do when I try to educate them. But instead of arguing, they said things like “Oh wow, you’re right. This is a puerile attempt at fear mongering. Thanks for exposing it!”

What?! And what does hand sanitizer have to do with fear mongering?

By this time, I knew something was going on, I just didn’t know what exactly. Then I got another weird DM. This time, it was from “me.”

“Hey dude,” said my cloned account. “You need to chill out before I report you.”

Oh, that was it, baby. That was too much. How dare this hacker steal my identity and then threaten to report ME? I thought it was so ludicrous that I sent a screen capture of it to Fred, Sheila, and even Linda. I wrote “Can you believe this dude?”

They replied almost instantly.

“Don’t make us report you.”

Was this the Twilight Zone? They were being fooled into thinking some hacker was me. I had to let them know! But how could they be fooled so easily? I had to see what was on this fake profile page.

It was lame. Not one joke about how Millennials are ruining everything, not one post with hotties on motorcycles, and not a single Pepe the Frog to be found. Just crap about getting vaccinated, volunteering, and crap about “let’s learn to talk to each other again.”

But why? This guy cloned me, so he’s probably trying to trick my friends into sending him money as part of a scam. Which reminded me, I still should lay low on the internet since I owe a lot of my Facebook friends money that they loaned me to fix my truck that I actually spent on lottery tickets and those awesome truck nuts.

And that’s where I am today. I know I should report him first, but now he’s got like 400 friends. I just checked, and I have 80. Plus, all his posts have over 20 likes each. 20! The only time I had that many is when I announced I was going to be a dad. That was an April Fools joke I pulled in March, just to trick as many people as possible.

So now I’m sitting here, comparing our Facebook pages, wondering what to do. To be honest, the more I read his posts, the more I wanted to be his friend.

Originally published at https://www.damperthree.com on May 24, 2021.